HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body
in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing
over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" Note: If you
ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution:
there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would
be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A
minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and
both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot
up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking
for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.